


The Long Walk

by Just_Another_Day



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Temporary Character Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Missing Scene, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Rituals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 14:29:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18345545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Another_Day/pseuds/Just_Another_Day
Summary: Nikandros will be expected to watch Damen being interred and Kastor being crowned within the space of days. It's hard to imagine those dual blows could be anything less than fatal.





	The Long Walk

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Nik. I'm so cruel to him. Note that this is entirely canonical, so an eventual happy ending is implied. Nikandros just doesn't know that.

The moment it's announced that an urgent message from Ios has arrived, Nikandros orders the servants to begin readying his things for travel. He has been dreading this news on Damen's behalf, but it's still hardly unexpected. King Theomedes's illness has lingered on for far too long now for Nikandros to really believe that he would miraculously recover the way he knows Damen has been longing to happen. It's been a matter of when rather than if.

The first thing the envoy announces is exactly what Nikandros is expecting to hear. King Theomedes has passed, and his crown will pass to his son. 

But not the right son, Nikandros finds out a moment later. For Nikandros's King is dead as well. 

Nikandros can feel his legs threatening to collapse from under him. 

Nothing else the herald has to say after that announcement could matter at all by comparison. Yet Nikandros is vaguely aware that the man is still speaking, outlining what is obviously an order (even though it's phrased as a request) for Nikandros to present himself to Ios alongside the other kyroi to swear allegiance to the new King.

Kastor, Nikandros realises the herald means. Nikandros will be expected to watch Damen being interred and Kastor being crowned within the space of days. It's hard to imagine those dual blows could be anything less than fatal.

Nikandros's throat feels so constricted at first that he feels like he can't swallow or even breathe. But eventually, the air rushes in of its own accord in a gasp, which is loud enough to mercifully cut off the remainder of the herald's droning speech. The first tinges of black that have started edging into Nikandros's field of vision disperse, leaving something too colourful and crisp. Too real. 

"Kyros?" the herald prompts.

"I'll sail for Ios tomorrow," Nikandros forces out.

It feels wrong to greet this news with nothing more than a sharp nod and a stiff back, as if he doesn't care. But the herald is obviously here at Kastor's behest. Nikandros can't give anything of his real reaction away in front of him when he knows it will be reported. 

"The King expects your arrival as soon as possible," the herald presses.

Kastor doesn't want to give Nikandros a chance to mourn away from Kastor's direct gaze. Nikandros would do better politically to go along with what Kastor wants for now. But Nikandros refuses to forego the observation of the proper rituals in Damen's honour.

"I'm sure the King –" it physically hurts Nikandros to call Kastor that "– will understand that I need to take the time to ensure the borders will be properly defended in my absence in case Vere or Vask think to take advantage once they learn of this news."

The herald can't really argue against that, though it looks as though he would like to.

That is, in fact, exactly what Nikandros forces himself to spend several hours doing. He's still the Kyros unless and until Kastor removes him from power. He has to make sure his people will be defended. The last time Delpha changed hands had been in the wake of a royal death. Nikandros doesn't intend to let Vere return the favour now.

Once he's done organising his generals and sending out messengers across the region to convey the news and prepare for any consequences, though, it's very a different matter. Nikandros doesn't sleep at all that night. The hours of darkness are spent purely in uninterrupted remembrance to honour the fallen.

The memories themselves are pleasant, and he tries not to let the happiness of them be leeched away. Nikandros buries himself wholeheartedly in recollections. Running together with Damen as young boys, laughing as Damen's tutor chased behind. Wielding sticks in mock battles as they one day would use swords. The evenings spent carousing in the village after Damen had convinced Nikandros to sneak away from the palace with him yet again, even though Nikandros knew he'd end up being the one blamed for it. Wrestling matches that ended in them barely able to move, exhausted and covered in sawdust and each other's sweat, their limbs tangled together in a way that made Nikandros's hear race almost as much as the physical exertion had.

He also recalls the overwhelming relief and elation of embracing Damen upon his triumphant return, alive if not unharmed, from riding out to challenge the Veretian Prince for the land Nikandros is now walking. Of Damen pressing his bloodied face against Nikandros's neck and just breathing for long moments until King Theomedes had arrived and pulled his son away. Nikandros wishes that Damen could reappear again like that now, disproving Kastor's message. Even Kastor wouldn't be stupid enough to lie about something like _this_ , but Nikandros hasn't always been great at accepting the obvious impossibility of what he wants.

On that note, Nikandros even lets himself dwell for the first time in a long time on that day when they'd slipped Damen's guards to ride out into the fields to the south of the village. They'd ended up splayed out together on the grass in the sunshine with the easy abandon born of knowing there was no one else within miles. Nikandros relives in great detail the way Damen had wound his fingers into Nikandros's hair as Nikandros had finally given in to what he'd wanted for so long, kneeling before Damen in a way that had nothing to do with paying obeisance. The gentle cup of Damen's other hand around Nikandros's jaw and the way that Damen had kissed him afterwards, apparently not minding the taste of himself in Nikandros's mouth, had been equally treasured moments, especially since it remains the only time Damen ever touched Nikandros in that way. Logically, Nikandros knows that it wasn't an experience they could have repeated, especially once Nikandros was awarded the position of Kyros and all the expectations of rank that come along with it. But he can't deny that part of him has always held out some unreasonable hope regardless. 

When Nikandros sets out for the walk of mourning at dawn, it's with those memories held in fresh reverence in his mind and with a handful of now-cold ashes from the ekthanos he'd lit for Damen during the night cupped in his palm. Nikandros knows the slow scattering of the ashes along the path he's treading is supposed to symbolically represent casting aside those hopes he'd held for a future with Damen in it, which now can never happen. But Nikandros doesn't want the new future that will grow in place of those things. And Nikandros can't bring himself to let go of what's been lost just yet. Maybe later, he tells himself. Maybe when he's seen the body. Maybe when it actually feels more real. 

Maybe then he can even allow himself to cry the way Damen undoubtedly deserves from him, given everything. 

'Maybe', Nikandros repeatedly tells himself despite knowing how unlikely it really is. 

It's traditional in this rite for the walk to continue as long as is necessary for the mourner to find the peace he requires to return to the starting point and then move forward in a new direction. If he actually held to that requirement now, Nikandros could be walking for days, or indefinitely. This isn't something he can just move on from in the space of a few hours. But the point of the long walk is to honour the dead as much as to mourn them. Nikandros knows it wouldn't honour Damen to extend his mourning when the ship, and therefore Kastor, is waiting for him to return. That will only give Kastor an excuse to replace Nikandros with a Kyros of his own choosing. Nikandros is certain he knows how that will ultimately end for Akielos at large.

It's Nikandros's responsibility to serve his real King the only way he's able to now.

Having found his motivation, if not his peace, Nikandros turns back.


End file.
